EP's first post of substance

SO Since Dan isn't around for me to rant to, Blog gets it. Lucky You!

I think if I hear the phrase "If you don't do it know, you never will" one more time I just may scream. Or how after getting everybodys blessings, everybodys "So excited for me" Even Strangers are so excited. How Neat! How original! What a great Experience!
I'm so tired of everybody suddenly respecting me, or admiring my bravery. I just don't feel like I deserve it. Cause in all honestly, I'm scared. REALLY scared. Like I wake up in the middle of the night with the "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING" fear, after I quit a job I was successful enough in, ended a relationship I was happy enough in, leaving my life, my friends and my plans for the fall. I've been anxious before, nervous if you will. When I moved to London I was scared, but I also had a plane ticket home, I knew when I was returning. It could be a year, 18mos 10 years? Maybe its the open-endingness that scares me. when WILL I be back stateside, enjoying summer days in Fenway, spending weekends in the pool, saving the neighborhood dog; When will my next dinner and real world night with house be, my next salad party? I mean, Thats a life I know, a life I'm HAPPY enough in? But I guess thats the point, the word that keeps reaccuring. I'm happy enough, successful enough, and thats not what I want. I don't want to have to remind myself of why I'm happy to keep me from being miserable. But that doesn't keep me from being scared. I don't know Korean. I don't know anybody IN Korea. I don't know anything ABOUT korea. I've never been there. Am I excited for the adventure, since I knwo its something I live for? Absolutly. Am I scared? Shitless